Today my heart broke into about a million little pieces. This afternoon I told 'Shroom that he would be staying back and repeating kindergarten.
Although Air Boss and I had known this was a possibility before school even started last year, we had hoped that he would somehow turn a new leaf during kindergarten, discover himself, and "wake up and smell the coffee" so to speak. We've waited and waited and we're still waiting. In the meantime, we've watched him struggle with his homework, continue drawing like a three-year-old, play around his classmates but never really with them, and all the while try his hardest to keep up with his school work.
It wasn't until earlier this calendar year that we sat down with 'Shroom's teacher and a couple of his special ed teachers to discuss the possibility of rentention. I had been fighting this possibility since September and was determined that I would do anything and everything to keep him on tract with the rest of his peers--at whatever cost.
Well, the costs have been quite high. On numerous ocassions, 'Shroom has cried during marathon homework sessions. What should have been easy 5-10 minute assignments were 1-2 hours of torture for both him and me (and Air Boss and Lolli who were witnesses of my fits of frustration). Somehow, despite our best efforts--and "our" meaning the entire family as we each helped out the best way we could--God has created 'Shroom to be a bit younger than his biological age.
Although we have been quite open to friends and family about 'Shroom's impending retention, Air Boss and I hadn't told 'Shroom about this little detour to first grade. I didn't know when to tell him or how to tell him.
Well, this afternoon as we were going over his reading assignment and reviewing his Dolce sight words ('Shroom all the while struggling), I had the urge to let him know. I put away the word ring, closed the reading book, and sat him down on my lap.
"'Shroom, do you know what comes after kindergarten"?
He looked at me with his big brown eyes and said without hesitation, "First grade."
I could tell that he knew something was coming up. Something important.
"Your friends will be going to first grade next year. But you won't be. You will be in kindergarten again." I never took my eyes off his and in some way, I wish I had. If I had, I wouldn't have seen the bewilderment, the bewilderment then turn into understanding, and finally with the understanding, his tears.
I had underestimated my son. I had assumed that retention for him wouldn't be a big deal and that he would take it in stride (or perhaps not even really notice). Perhaps that was my wishful thinking.
I held him and we cried and cried. I tried to explain to him why in a way that he would understand. I didn't want him to feel punished for learning too slowly and not keeping up. I wanted to encourage him that by being in kindergarten again, he would be able to keep up better and learn the things he hasn't yet been able to learn.
I listed all his friends in class and told him that they would be going to first grade. I also told him that he would be making friends with a whole new class and that he would have fun making more friends.
"Do you think I love you any less for not going to first grade next year?" I asked him.
He shook his head "no."
I hugged him and we cried some more.
I don't know if this will be the best decision for 'Shroom but I can only hope and pray that we're making the right choice. As one mom who had retained her child said, "ultimately you are changing the course of your child's life . . . . and you have no idea how it will turn out." That is true. And it is also true that if 'Shroom were to advance onto first grade with his class, I still wouldn't know how it would turn out.
I am so grateful that despite being the mom to 'Shroom and Lolli, it is God who is the Master Planner of their lives.
Anyway, graduating from high school at age 17 is way over-rated. =)
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