I Feel So Bad

I have to admit . . . in the frenzy and overall chaos in the house as we're packing up things, I've ocassionally felt that 'Shroom and Lolli were just obstacles in my way. For those of you reading this who don't have kids or it's been a long time since your kids were 3 and 4 years old, you may think I'm a mean mom - totally ungrateful for my kids.

The truth is, even without the stress of this move, there are just some days (some days without any real reason) when I totally feel that the kids have done nothing but slow me down. I think I have about 20-30 minutes of TRUE productivity during the daytime. Yes, I may be able to get some things done here and there but those are typically tasks that don't require much thought. I've often felt (and even commented) that since becoming a mom, I feel that I operate on 10% of my brain. There's no time or opportunity to use more than that.

Today, I was trying to be quick and efficient in packing up the kids' room before they took their naps (yes, 'Shroom is back to taking naps on some days). I had pulled something out of a drawer and did a quick "hip check" to shut the drawer without using my hands. Lolli was right behind me and the moment the thought came to my mind, it was too late.

Piercing screams ricocheted through our house. Air Boss was on the phone and could barely hear the conversation on the other end. In my haste to grab something and go, I had slammed the drawer on Lolli's little fingers.

I felt utterly horrible.

Her middle finger had an indentation on it but nothing was broken (or even bruised) but there's no doubt that it had hurt. I had spent the day snapping at the kids, yelling at them for jumping on the sofa cushions (which WERE on the floor and not the sofa), and simply telling them in a mean voice to get out of my way. Packing and cleaning with the kids running and yelling from one room to another was grating on my nerves and adding to the stress.

Shutting the drawer on Lolli's fingers made me pause in the craziness. I held her and hugged her, covered her fingers with kisses and let her pick her favorite colored plastic ice cube.

In that moment, I realized that I had spend so much time - more time than with the kids lately - looking for schools and child-friendly neighborhoods. It seems so sadly ironic that I was too busy doing that while shoving the kids aside.

Well, Lolli is fine and her fingers show no marks (the indentations have filled in). She seems to have forgotten the incident. The house is still a mess and there are still tons more things to do but I'm trying not to think of the kids as "obstacles" in my way.