Ahh . . . I've just dropped off Lolli at her Tuesday morning preschool and 'Shroom is probably already back into the swing of things at kindergarten after the long holiday weekend. I have the morning (well, the next two hours) totally to myself. Ahh . . .
I have a list of things to do and yet I had to carve out the time to drop a line to say I'm still alive and surviving out here in LA. On some days as it seems of late, that would be barely surviving.
There have been so many thoughts, struggles, really really difficult moments I've wanted to blog about but felt that sharing some of these gut-wrenching emotions on the world wide web would be too revealing. Too exposing. Like I'm posting a naked picture of myself on the internet for the world to see.
Needless to say, I've been struggling these days with being a mom. Being a career-driven person stuck in the body and schedule of a stay-at-home mom. My joys of reading and writing have become practically non-existent -- I just can't seem to do worthwhile writing (or reading for that matter) in 5-10 minute chunks of time.
I've also been feeling totally inadequate as a mom and like a complete and utter failure as a teacher to 'Shroom. He's still struggling to keep one foot in the kindergarten classroom. Despite all the books we read, special activities to help his writing, practice exercises to reinforce what he's (supposed to be) learning in school, he has yet to connect the concept that letters have sounds, sounds make words and words make sentences. Just the other week, he forgot how to write his name. Most typical days with 'Shroom, it's three steps forward, two steps back. Lately, it feels like it's been three steps forward, four or five steps backwards.
Over the years, I've come to realize that I'm a perfectionist. I'm meticulous and anal. And unfortunately, I hold these standards and expectations not only for myself but also for my family and friends. And boy, has it really really been challenging for me to raise a child with special needs. Special needs that have yet to fully be defined and diagnosed.
And it's not all about 'Shroom. I think I'm really struggling to find out who I truly am. What truly gives me joy and fulfillment. Honestly, I'm feeling really selfish right now in thinking of myself and what I want. It seems like it's been so long since I've been able to do what I want when I want that I don't even know what it is anymore.
I know as a "mature adult" I should be able to see the forrest among the trees. On a typical day, I think I can see a tree. On the tougher days, I think I only see something that looks like bark. And it looks pretty rough.
1 comment:
thanks for your honesty, dee. those are a lot of thoughts and feelings to deal with, not just 'shrooom but also the whole "uprooting your life and moving 2500 miles" thing. we'll be praying for you and thinking of you all. your thoughts about being a stay at home mom... well, those are thoughts that certainly cross my mind as that path looms in my near future. i appreciate your openness, as i think it creates so much breathing room for everyone to be more candid and forthcoming about the struggles we all face.
grace and peace to you all. and much love to 'shroom. :) he is one amazing kid and i know you are both being such incredible parents to both of them. love, steph
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